How to blog & tweet like a true Brit

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Hi guys,

Here in Great Britain we do like to do things differently compared to the rest of the world. One thing that comes to mind includes driving on the wrong side of the road for instance.

But I guess this is where us Brits like to stick to our ideals and at the same stick it to our foreign friends across the channel just to prove how wrong they are. So, here are several and amusing customs that us British like to do differently, whether it pleases you or not:

European people are sensitive and touchy while the us English take everything with an exquisite sense of humour.

In Europe people either tell you the truth or lie while us English hardly ever lie, but we would not dream of telling you the truth either.

In Europe people use a fork as though it were a shovel while in England we turn it upside down and push everything, including peas, on top of it.

In Europe pets are judged individually on their merit - some are loved, some are only respected while in England they are universally worshipped more than… Yes, Europeans.

In Europe, people have good food while in England we have good table manners.

Many Europeans think life is a game; Us English think Cricket is

So since us Brits like to do thing differently on this Isle of ours, here are some do’s and don’ts and etiquettes to follow when you’re looking to blog and tweet the correct British way:

Don’t blog about the weather! The world is already fed up with the crisis that’s going on at the mo’ and the last thing they want to hear is how gloomy and dull the weather is in England.

Do blog about that perfect cup of tea you had at Auntie Mary’s instead - Tea back in the days used to be such a formidable drink that throughout the ages we’ve managed to transform this highly successful beverage into a colourless and tasteless gargling water with a dash of milk in it. Is there anyone out there who is old enough to blog about the days of that perfect cuppa?

Don’t blog about sex! There’s too much of it already on the net, 750,000,000 sites to be exact (well, more or less) so what’s the use, but you’re more than welcome to blog about hot water bottles if you like - a nightly experience not to be missed

Do blog about your favourite pastime - Pub hopping comes to mind. And share with us the moments of joy on how you managed over the course of one evening to down 20 pints in 12 different pubs in less then 4 hours while walking a straight line to the nearest kebab shop and scoffed down 3 portions of Donner kebabs with extra chillie sauce and then threw up in some girls fake Gucci bag and got smacked for it. Hey you got the black eye to prove it so don’t forget to upload a picture on your post for proof.

Don’t Blog about your national passion - Queuing - and how much you enjoyed the experience of waiting for the bus, or queuing for the lottery ticket, or standing outside Mr. Softies for a Mango Garcia, or waiting in line for another cup of bloody Tea!!! And then joined a few more queues just for the sake of the fun of it, then queued up at the bus stop again and had the time of your life. Stop it! It’s boring!

If you are to vlog then to give yourself a state of highly cultured air by showing yourself holding an unlit pipe in your mouth while muttering between your teeth about the latest product online and finish all your sentences with the question, ‘isn’t it?’ people might not understand what you say much (Does anyone understand Prince Charles for that matter?) but they are accustomed to that and they will get a most excellent impression (guaranteed a few thousand views on You tube), particularly if the quality of your vid is appalling.

And finally if you’re going to use Twitter then to achieve a status like Stephen Fry make sure that you truly are a civilized Twitterati Englishman and have developed your charm with the greatest care. So, here are a few rules to follow:

1. Always LOL at amusing tweets.

2. When tweeting a joke be careful to tell it from a serious and profound observation.

3. Be polite when tweeting and tease others in a nonchalant manner.

4. Sneer at everything you are not intelligent enough to understand.

5. Flirt with the opposite sex in a British manner but don’t over due it. You just might give of the wrong impression.

6. Show an air of dandy ness on your avatar pic with a well pressed shirt and a silk tie. Aloofness is key here.

7. And if for whatever reason and the sun did decide to come out and play on the day you are tweeting and you just could not and I mean could not contain yourself then you must tweet the phrase ‘lovely day, isn’t it?’ at least two hundred times or else you’re not a true Brit.

And one last thing - Never be sober after 6.30pm while tweeting. Remember we have an image to live up to!

Go forth and conquer ye true Brit!

Regards

Che Guy

British blogging, British tea, British sex, pub hopping, queuing in Britain, Prince Charles, vlogging etiquette, Twitter etiquette, Stephen Fry